Motivated Again Again

I may have jinxed myself with that last post. Since then I’ve had my are stolen (stress!!) and have gotten pretty sick. I’m mostly better now but all the inactivity and holiday food (curse you holiday foods!) have left me feeling very heavy and full of self loathing. Mentally I’m motivated to start the new year right. I think in a day or two more I’ll have my strength back and will start kickin’ butt at the gym! I WILL lose 10 lbs by the end of January or maybe 15 lbs! I can recommend some diet books that will motivate your mind.

One thing I know is a problem is stress. I eat when stressed and anxious. Life is full of stress so I should just learn to deal with it. This has been my biggest challenge. I can hit they gym and eat right but as soon as I have a stressful day I just want to sit around and chill. I’ve tried to see working out as a stress reliever but it doesn’t work well for me. I’ll keep trying. I feel like I’m at a low right now. Like many people I start to hate myself the fatter I get. It helps motivate me but it only goes so far. My dislike for my body makes me moody and dislike being intimate with my husband. It’s not fair to him and I shouldn’t feel this way. 

While being sick I saw doctors who couldn’t find anything majorly wrong. Apparently I’m a healthy fat girl lol. Still I had pains in my side that have since gone away. I’m not going to take pains like that lightly if they come back but the thought had occurred to me “What if I had cancer?”.  Again the doctors don’t think there is anything wrong and won’t look beyond a blood test. I’m not one to be overly dramatic about these things but I did serious ponder the “what if…”. I’ve concluded that IF I did then I’d blame it on stress and unhealthy foods (processed and unnatural/chemically altered – most foods are nowadays). I’d quit my job (well, find a less stressful one assuming I’m not given a few months to live or anything like that), go completely health nut and get physical (drop the weight). Then I thought, “Why do I have to wait for my life to be threatened with death to live it?” It shouldn’t have to get that bad. So, I’m ready for a new beginning, I’m Motivated Again Again! Wish me luck

Emotional Eating

About 3 weeks ago I started back “on the horse” and have been eating well and getting some exercise. I’ve noticed my nails are stronger and longer. This is amazing since they usually break and crack by now. Well this last week I’m ashamed to say I’m “falling off the horse”. I’m really stressed. My husband and I have to move suddenly (landlord stopped paying his mortgage), there are bunch of little dramas surrounding this sudden move, my coworker is a jerk and much more. I know this isn’t an excuse to eat. I’ve always thought I’m not an emotional eater. I figured it meant you sit in front of your fridge eating it clean every time you cry. I am one for sure but not in that way. I get stressed or anxious (I do have a bit of an anxiety problem from time to time) and my consciousness blacks out and awakens to find me angrily shoveling bad food in my mouth. This seriously happens, no exaggeration here. The little whimper of a conscious asks me “Why I don’t stop? Why not AT LEAST angrily eat a carrot?” The only answer that comes is “Because that won’t ease the pain” Interesting, huh? I think sweets and other bad food do, for whatever reason, calm my anxiety or upset. Healthy food doesn’t seem to have that effect. I can remember being on a diet where I eat healthily for about a month and a half (week 3 is usually my falling off point so this was a victory). Food was depressing! It was healthy but it seemed the only healthy food I can eat was cold and tasteless. No yummy steak, no yummy soup. I can’t explain it but eating all the healthy food makes my physically depressed. Mentally I was happy I was being so good. I guess this is why it didn’t work. SO, obviously my main hurdle is to find a way to tame the upset beast so I won’t be thrown from the horse every time. I know they say working out helps. It doesn’t seem to work for me but it’s worth trying again. The new place we’re moving to has a gym and is closer to the gym I’m paying for.