iFat

iFat, I’m fat, fat , fat, FAT! And nothing reminds one of how FAT they are more than HEAT! We heat up fast, move less and wear less. Wearing less becomes a constant reminder of what I’m embarrassed about or how big my tummy roll REALLY IS. I think it’s easy for me to be in denial of how fat I really am because my clothes kinda hide it. I mean, I’m still xyz big but the yucky detains of it stay under the radar like how my thighs rub together or how much of my jelly roll I can grab. I know this is probably too detailed for some of you, I know I’m gettin’ sick.
So what now? Back on “the wagon”… *sigh*… it kinda seems pointless because I always try hard and do well and fail around week 3. I swear I’ve done that like 10x.  I know you’re probably thinking there are other issues at play. I thought that too so in the last few years I’ve tried hard to work through all my “issues” psychologically. I know I eat out of anxiety sometimes and I’ve reduced my anxiety almost completely. I’ve educated myself about nutrition and the importance of calorie counting. On top of all this I’m at an amazing point in my life where all my worries have gone away and all my dreams (well, the realistic ones) have come true! I am the happiest I’ve ever been (no, I’m not on anti-depressants, this is the real deal). The only thing left is weight loss. I feel like I’m the most “in shape” a person who loses weight can be but not physically. I’ve  even checked with doctors to make sure my body isn’t working against me. IF ANYTHING my blood sugar was a little high in 1/3 checks and I’m iron deficient.  I take iron pills and only feel “tired” when PMSing. So, what’s wrong? WHY???? I think I lose motivation cuz I get stressed. This time round my Sweety will go to the gym with me but a limited amount of times. This will be good on those days that I don’t feel like going. We shall see….

Sweaty Workout

One thing that has helped me is how I think about sweat. As a heavy person, people expect you to be filthy and sweaty; disgusting. Well we aren’t but if we do sweat we are very self conscious about it. So when it comes to good sweating (ie working out) we still feel like avoiding it, don’t want to be disgusting, right? well it helped me to change my thinking on this. I can be paranoid all I want about sweat when I’m in my workout clothes, it’s ok to get dirty. Yeah, this is just a random post. Thought I’d share.

Back from the cruise

I took a cruise to the Mexican Riviera and just got back. They say the average cruiser gains a pound a day and I was gone 7. I braved it and stepped on the scale. I’ve only gained 3 pounds!!! Good Job! I did kayak but for the most part I was lazy — hey, it’s a vacations, I do what I want! Well the trip was awesome and we were very well fed. Basically we eat at a 5 star restaurant every night and had buffet food during the day. I was totally expecting a 10 pound gain.  The downside is that it was a lot more unhealthy than how my hubby and I usually eat and I could feel it’s affect on me. I felt lethargic and crummy like when my book sugar is high (it probably was the whole time). We had a few food comas after eating. I don’t think I really stuffed myself silly but fell asleep. Maybe they put sleeping pills in their food to help you relax lol. Anyways, I’m back and not getting the royal treatment anymore. For once I’m stress free from the trip and am trying to hold on to that. I fear being back and going back to work/school will stress me out and depress me. I’m trying hard to keep unstressed. Today my plan is simple, catch up on some school work, eat 100% right and go to the gym. Now is the time to get back on the horse. I’m motivated (especially after seeing me in a bathing suit –Beached whale!) to get back on the healthy track but I know the hardest part is staying on track when I hit the 3 week mark.